Journey of Mothering Two

It's been few nights... Got Keira ready for bed at 9pm but she refused to sleep until 11++pm. That's also the time when Caedy got cranky and wanted me to carry. And in between those 2+ hours, Keira would want to go toilet for like 10x, I'm not kidding. I got angry with her almost every night. Never failed to threaten her that I'd take out cane if she didn't stop whining, I'd beat if she couldn't stop talking/singing/screaming/playing... last night I told myself that "OK... I'm not gonna scold her tonight!". But I think you can guess exactly what I did... I scolded her, yet again.

After the both of them slept, which was around 12am, I was doing my devotion with this wonderful book by Dr James Dobson. I cried so badly. I knew parenting requires sacrifice and patience, but I was so disappointed at myself. Then I think of the time, probably few years down the road, when the kids grow up, when the house is quiet... I'll miss their screaming, their cheeky, playful, annoying and unending demands... I fast forwarded my life to the time where they will leave for college somewhere else, what would I want to change (in my parenting) if I were to live this moment all over again... I told myself I'd stop scolding and yelling at Keira for petty little things, the small things that so easily got on my nerves. I'd carry Caedy when she was crying because she hadn't mastered the self-soothing skill. I'd interpret the situations from their perspectives.

I said sorry to God, I said sorry to them while they were sleeping, I said sorry to myself for failing...
I'll try again tonight. Try to be a better mom.

Motherhood - The Voice Within

I watch this movie "Motherhood" first thing I woke up on Monday. Well, it's my off day.

After watching it, I think I should be grateful that I have a job but somehow I still want to be a housewife. Or maybe I should say I want to have a part time or a home based job, at the same time I can spend much time with my daughter (and children in the future). Maybe Keith is right, I grew up in a place where moms stay at home, so that's why.

Sometimes, I'm wondering what would it be if I'm working in an office. You know, a real office. After graduating, I have never worked in an office, it has always been in a store; namely boutique and bookstore.

How come?

Then, if I think back again, why had I chosen business instead of engineering course? I had always been a science student, I loved math and physics, yes I really DO love physics.

I envy ambitious people, I envy those that have found their "dream jobs".
Well, I am not saying my job is miserable now, well yeah a bit... but again just like what Larry Winget says "your success is your own damn fault". So even if I don't love the job, I have to do my best (and I do realize I haven't given my best).

WELL, my whole point is... I do once in a while think back of "what would have happened if..." , "how i wish i have..." , or "how good will it be if..." but then reality hits me. so yeah, GET A LIFE! My life is good. God has given me great things in life. I have a wonderful family, loving husband and adorable daughter. I belong to a great church. I have a good boss and lovely friends & colleagues. I live in a decent house. So yeah this is reality. Get back to WORK and do whatever I need to do.

Cheers,
JJ

future ahead

2010 is coming... i'm excited.

both keith and i are thinking and planning. we aim to move to our 2nd house next year. with God's grace, we pray that both of us can save enough money to move out. our current house is definitely too small.

saving money is a big issue for me. LOL. unlike many mothers, i'm not good in saving. it's time to BUCK UP!

i really need wisdom to live a better life.

i'm not sure how many ppl know that i'm actually dreaming to be a housewife ;) yeah not many ppl knew that... but to really think abt it, what am i gonna do when keira starts school? i wish i'm like jilly, who knows what she really likes to do, just look at the cards she makes. i really dont mind staying at home doing what i like to do.

i have been asking myself for VERY LONG, what do i like to do?

and i do not know.

i like doing many things i.e. singing, cooking, reading parenting books, looking after keira *lol* but i'm not up to the standard where i can teach singing or opening a restaurant or babysit others' kids.

so...

in other words, i just want to write to remember.. that working is good for me. pastor kevin just taught the church, in order to discover our destiny, we need to WORK!

God i surrender my future into your mighty hands...