Parenting Strategies - I NEED TO STOP SCREAMING!

In one of my FB posts, I wrote that I decided to become a SAHM because I didn't have a good quality time with my kids most of the nights after coming back from work. Usually when we reached home, I would be busy preparing dinner, feeding them, revising and supervising Keira while she was doing her homework (I don't even remember what Caedy was doing during this time), doing the necessary house chores, and so on. It was kind of frustrating and I yelled a lot. So I decided to stop working so that I could be a better mom (read: a mom who always KEEPS CALM and doesn't scream).

But guess what, I STILL SCREAM. I try to control myself most of the time though. Usually I succeeded... only in the beginning. ("ok... I am going to say it one more time. I need you to start scooping the food and put inside your mouth, now... NOW... NOW!!!")

OK this is my personal opinion. You can agree to disagree. I think, unless you are born in a family where everyone speaks very gently, you will tend to scream when you become a mom. Having said that, I don't think yelling at your kids is a good idea. If you don't want your kids to yell back at you when they grow up, you probably shouldn't do it too, unless they are in danger of course. 

Now I have tried a few strategies that work but sometimes I need to remind myself to keep doing this. Let me share with you.

1. First scenario - The Whiny Child

My 6yo girl can probably receive "The Whiniest Child Award". It's kinda annoying if you've never heard one before. 

My strategy: I either respond by whining (which usually annoys her as much) or I show her the difference between talking and whining. Ask her to try both and judge herself, which way of communicating is better. Usually she chooses talking. But just like the mother, sometimes she too, forgets that she needs to talk instead of whine. Oh sometimes I also tell her that I will fall asleep instantly if she whines (at least I have a chance to lie down and close my eyes for a while).

2. Second scenario - The Dilly-Delly Child

This is definitely not new to all mothers who have a preschooler. The more you ask them to hurry up, the more they drag their feet. 

The big no no to this is by using threat. Trust me. The more you threaten them, the more anxious they become and the more unable they are to do whatever you want them to do. Or if you have a cheeky child, he probably likes it when you are screaming at the top of your lungs like a crazy woman. Engage with them, guide and help them out. It's more beneficial for the both of you. 

I once watched a webinar by a parenting expert, Amy McCready, she taught us NOT to use countdown when it comes to this matter. But I still find it very useful with Caedy, my 2yo. When she refuses to come over (or start running around) before getting dressed, I usually count "One... Two..." and zoom... she'll be right in front of me. But with Keira, if I start counting, she will start whining, so instead of counting one two three, I do "Oonneee..... Fooouuur..." then she will start laughing and start doing whatever she needs to do. It works for us.

Another good way is to compete. For example, when it's time to tidy up the room, I say things like "OK let's see who can put more toys into the box." "Let's see if we can tidy up in 60 seconds."

3. Third Scenario - The Disobedient Child

Now, this one I don't tolerate. The children must know that parents set the boundaries, and they have to stay within those boundaries. Once they are out of them, they have to suffer the consequences. The level of the consequences is dependent on the level of the disobedience.  Of course the ultimate one is to use the pretty but fearsome, spine-chilling, nerve-racking, hair-raising balloon stick (yeah I use this to cane them).

While some people strongly disagree in caning their children, I have to say it is necessary. I'm not talking about abusing your kids. A stroke on the palm or bum, enough to give that little Ouch, enough to make them regret for what they just did.

Other milder ways of discipline will be time-out (usually applicable for Caedy only). She's required to stand at a corner and hold her ears. Reason is because she is not allowed to use her hands to do other stuff. Time-out should be boring, something that they really hate. If your kids don't hate the time-out corner, then that time-out is pretty much wasted. (Learned this from Nigel Latta.)

4. Fourth Scenario - The Babies

Well, the word itself has explained all. Babies break rules. They are constantly trying, exploring, destroying, biting, tasting... you name it. For babies, I think the best way to use is to distract (suggesting other activities, giving other toys etc). If distraction doesn't work, use a stern voice and say "No." and when they get what you mean, smile and then explain. They might not understand the words you say, but they understand your expressions. Physical punishment is a big NO NO in this category.

WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO HAVE MY CHILD OBEY ME?

What do you think about rewards?

Some experts believe that giving rewards to your kids will only cause them to be demanding. Unless you have something for me, I am not going to do it.

In my opinion I think it's OK to reward but don't overdo it. You shouldn't reward your child for finishing her meal or for doing the house chores. You shouldn't reward your child for being nice to her friends or for being polite to the elderly. If it's a basic thing to do, I don't reward them. You can praise them (again, don't overdo it) and give them words of encouragement. 

On the other hand, when your child overcomes her fear, I think you should reward her. Something that's not ordinary or everyday kinda thing. Keira was having cough and she had to stay away from all her cookies, sweet drinks and all her favourite food/drinks for few days, I would reward her when she recovers. 

Explanation. Keira has a very soft and gentle heart. So usually explaining will make her understand.  I will tell her things like "when you don't focus, you tend to spill your food/drinks, then I have to clean it up again, it's very tiring." or "when you do this, it's dangerous. Even if you don't think you'll injure yourself, your sister will. She will do what you do and she will injure herself. I believe you don't want her to be in pain."

Be the role-model. 

"Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them." - James Baldwin. 

Enough said. 

Last but not least, shower them with lotsa LOVE. I remember I used to tell Keira "when I am angry, I still love you, in fact I still love you very very much... but I don't wanna play with you now because your behaviour makes me feel sad and angry."  

Whatever you do, let love be the motive.

I still fail to hold my anger sometimes, but like what I always said, parenting is a lifelong journey. We make mistake, we improve and we grow along the way. So give yourself a pat on your shoulder and let's move on and be a better parent today!